Unsent Letters to The World

Last Friday I burnt my palate, because the schnitz wrap took awhile. Today I'm struggling with a headache and burnt palate. 

Last night I struggled with a headache. Woke up at 2am to put ilyas to his bed and he called me to accompany him few mins later. I ended up sleeping in his room till morning. 

I dreamt that things were not good with Alanur, I remember the thought of the D word in that dream. I woke up feeling dazed and wondered what that's all about. Nauzubillah.

Skipping mosque hopping Bosnian mosque carnival tonight. I'm feeling lethargic. Plans were ruined today because of a bad news from Turkiye which turned out to be a not so big issue. 

I did some painting with my son.

It's quite an eventful day filled with nothing. 

I miss my family and friends. 

Being sick I can't operate 100% and what's worse. Worse my wife got the car impounded yesterday because she was driving without a licence. So that means our routines are severely affected because there's only one who can go around. That means school dropouts are difficult and she can't get to work herself. Thankfully my brother-in-law lives next door so she got herself all right to work and school drop off. 

This probably sounds like nothing to you, but perhaps one of those really down days who's being sick, Work mounting up, bills becoming outstanding. I'm still trying to finish up my course so I can start recording and sell the online course. Being a solopreneur is probably a good way out, but it's really challenging to do it while you have full-time job in a little toddler, and a wife who doesn't understand that the law does not care if you're running late and speeding in the car.

I actually thought about what I really like in life. I saw a post on Instagram and I stopped scrolling looking at it. See one of the goals in there if you still have slow mornings. Time to read, spend with the family. Time to meditate and pray. I think that's what true wealth is.

For now, Lemsip and cold medications should do. 

I started writing this on 20th February 2024 but didn't finish writing it. So today, 31st March 2024, I continue on. 

Yesterday I found out that a domain name that we bought a while back was expired about 2 months ago and caused a lost potential opportunity in business. The immediate cause for it was because my wife didn't check her email. The underlying reason was because we were not meeting at the same level of expectation.

She assumed that I would be checking her emails on bills and urgent matters, perhaps since we got married. I was under the impression that it's her business and work, so she's in charge of it. I should have nothing to do with it. 

So today I learnt that she believes I should help her with these admin things because she's helping me out with the household finances. I don't disagree that help should be given when it's needed and deserving, and in this case, yes. She does help out with the household finances, she takes care of our child's clothing, and most times groceries too. So she deserves my help to manage her admin stuff on her business given that she is helping with the household finances.

We had a good long talk about the underlying expectations and reasons on why all these things were happening. We talked about it around 1am of 1st April 2024. It was a very fruitful conversation in understanding each other and meeting in the middle given our opposing views. Alhamdulillah for the tongue and heart that Allah gave us.

I just have to be disciplined enough to sleep by 10:45pm, every day. 

Otherwise, I'd miss on Fajr and Quran, daily morning runs and pull ups, and importantly content writing. 

I had this passing thought, of how easy it is to just let go of your goals and progress even after being on track for so long. I thought to myself, maybe I'll end up being lazy as I always was last year and the year before and haven't really accomplished anything much.

I can't, and I won't. I will succeed to establish that business, as a solopreneur side-hustle. May Allah ease.

I remember taking the train/tram and it goes around the city. Stopped for lunch, mizz Nina has a restaurant that sells lauk telur ikan and ikan Keli. Saw Mack eating there, but I avoided go in as I wasn't feeling like socialising. 

Back on the railway, I just roamed around thinking how it feels lonely and quiet it is. I asked Azizul if I could come over at his place and head my way there. At his place, I explained to Azizul that it's a homesick feeling, like when your parents was staying with you for 3 weeks and suddenly the left back home. 

It wasn't what happened in that dream, but how it feels.. alone and homesick. 

I woke up feeling grateful it was just a dream.

 Again. Ilyas is sick. The perfume bottle broke which I had to clean

 The fume is making me sick.

Dreams have a way of reminding and showing you how exactly something feels like whilst experiencing it. 

I remember looking at my work computer screen and that dreaded feeling of understanding someone's email while they're asking something from you.

All I remember feeling was wanting to go home. I didn't feel like working. Suddenly I find myself sending Ilyas off to a childcare, with who is presumably Alanur, my wife taking the shape of a vague person from a distant memory.

We played with ilyas for a bit while we're at the daycare, but the vibe of the daycare felt like a friend's house. It's a familiar place and feeling.

And then I remember trying to talk to my wife, let's go home. I don't feel like working today. It's a state of need, and longing to be with her, and our son. I feel like I missed them so much. Even though they're here with me in reality, it doesn't feel like she was.

As I was hoping she'd stop talking on the phone so we can all go home I just played with ilyas and was grateful he appreciates my presence.

Dreams have a peculiar way of showing your subconscious state of mind. It was a dreaded feeling of lost and longing, albeit what you're longing is right in front of you.

Alanur has been busy, and constantly tired. She starts the day with a displeasing feeling. 

But alas, this world is a prison for the believers isn't it?

InshaAllah. May He make rizq easy for me.

Today I was preparing breakfast, I was asked if I wanted to be part of a visit. It tipped the scale rather quickly. The only question I cared about really was did I cause something to cause this? I tend to look inwardly most times, I've learnt that from Shaykh Hamza Yusuf in one of his very beneficial lectures about understand the self. I think I might've said things that caused that must misperception, only because it was an imperfect communication between multiple parties involved the day before.

But I think the most disappointing thing was to have other problems that was kept and accumulated and have it thrown at me when things like this happen. All of a sudden, it became about I was never a supportive person of having Saturdays cut down to half.

I accepted that my life isn't perfect, and that these are all the compromise I'm making for the sake of others. And that I am not an articulate person when I'm put on the spot. I often need to retreat to gathery thoughts and have it written down. But at least I know that about myself. 

As unsettling as it is, whenever I think of my Lord, the storm recedes. He knows the difficulties, and the suffering in silence. Having to grow up with none of this experience, makes it hard as a man. The world has really changed the very fabric of the little things that make up the institution of family. And a big part of that fabric is the role of women in family institutions. But society has changed it to a way that invalidates everything that were taught through Islamic traditions. And when it's brought up, we will be told it's because we are backward thinking and that women should be treated as equals. Truth is, that's a very flawed concept. 

Men and women aren't equals. Because women are special in ways that men will never be. 

Our mothers were gems, for being loyal, and investing in our fathers, and children. Women like these don't exist much anymore. When good things and people cease to exist, it's because it belongs to Allah, and they have returned.

I've always make sure I try to wake her up to pray together. But she told me she didn't wake me up because I was snoring. I don't think that's an excuse I can use with Allah for not waking up for fajr. Astaghfirullah. 

But truth is she's not responsible for me, but I am for her - I am answerable to Allah for my family. And there's nothing that bonds spouses together than praying together. 

May Allah make us steadfast and united at heart for the sake of Him.

So there I go leaving for work, and here I am in the train to the city on a wet Monday morning. 

I have a waking dream. A dream that I inspire to achieve. One that not many know. In another life, I dreamed to be a student of knowledge, to study with an 'alim, and dreamt of a life in Madinah, and passing in Madinah for the remainder of my life. In a more 'practical' life, I have a dream of being a teacher, not in a typical or modern day sense. But instead, in a more traditional way. 

I now have a permanent student, until he becomes an adult. And he's my son. May Allah make me a good Imam for my family, and grant us spouse and offsprings that are coolness to the eyes. 

These dreams, I hope come true. For I wish to close to Him. As I felt I was before.